oh bother bother.
Posted by yeeween , Wednesday, March 24, 2010 8:58:00 AM
i dunno if i should make the 1st move to ask for forgiveness from a person.. or rather.. persons.. who are kinda mad at me cause they misunderstood my intentions.. :(
u remember last time.. ur mum will go "u do something wrong, u apologize.."
yep.
problem is i dont know if i should right now.. cause i might blow it outta proportion now that its sorta more than 24 hours after the explosion.. and.. sigh. i dunno what i did that was wrong.. i admit i couldve handled things better.. that given a second chance i wouldve done things a different way.. but there is no second chance... and right now i'm scared to confront any of the persons i offended because i cant hold myself together in front of them.. Dx yes they are older than me.. and that makes it all the more difficult to explain because im never good with explaining myself.. usually i'd just keep quiet.. until u vent all ur anger at me.. then i'll go rant some other place..
i cannot afford to speak up and lose my cool. i am an aries. do not expect me to tell u what u want to hear to ur face in defeat after you yell at me first. if u insist on an answer u better prepare to get yelled at in return. *fumes
i am sorry.
really i am.. most of the time i can never show how sorry i am because i am not that sort of person who goes on to put on a mask of deep, heartfelt sorrow and then prance around saying sorry gazillions of times in a singsong voice.. and then when they're satisfied that ure happy, they take off the mask and BAM. backstab. congratulations btw, ure famous in facebook!
for me.. feeling sorry for the things i do goes with me in a little backpack bound to my very being. i live by the saying "one can forgive, but never forgets." no matter how sorry the person who hurt u is, the damage is already done. he's sorry he killed ur mother. but ur mother is already gone. and it is you in the end who has to live with that fact. even if u manage to convince urself that the past is already forgiven... there is no way in the world can u truly forget who took her away in the first place..
:(
hence i find it hard to ask things from people.. especially my parents because i feel too guilty for doing the wrong, unthoughtful things i've done before.. lots of people will just raise an eyebrow at this "wtf? guilty for wat?" please scroll to previous paragraph. note the little backpack. inside its not only the things i do wrongly and got scolded for the past weeks. they date back to years.. to as early in my life as i can remember. i can tick them off my finger if u ask me to name u a few.. drawing on walls.. buying paper dolls and hiding them in the little nook of the sofa.. not looking out for my siblings when crossing the road.. calling my parents names behind their backs.. loathing [and now missing] art classes.. making my mum cry when i yelled back at her when she scolded me.. ....... .............
oh gosh.
i guess that's when i learnt to keep my mouth shut when someone's sounding me off. until it became quite a habit already.. gah. like autopilot with a sound sensor.. once ur voice reaches a certain pitch with a certain tone i shut down =.=
anyway this post is just to say i really mean im sorry when i say it.. if i dont then maybe its for a reason and u should hear me out without being angry first..
sigh.
i gotta go now.. my aunt needs me for a shopping trip.. xD
