Myself.
Posted by yeeween , Tuesday, December 22, 2009 3:18:00 PM
Last posted on : November 18 2009.
i think that statement hit me harder than ive expected.. i often think that if i dun blog often enough it ultimately meant either my life is so happening there really isnt time, or im hiding something that terrifies me to even type it out.
This post is gonna be both i guess.. But sod the happening part. There wasn't time because i never made time for myself. That one i came to realize the hard way and even now as I think about it, I realized i'm different now than i was years before.. I always tell others that people dont change, they adapt. I think i did too much of it, it sorta layers up on me and i am now a terrible mould of other people on top of my own genuine template. I lost myself. :( eventhough i promised i never will. (Secret Resolution 2.2 - Last modified NewYear's 09). sigh. I hate cleaning up. Especially if it means im doing it alone. But i guess this time i really have to do this on my own.. To strip clear of all that I learnt.. put it in a box. and keep what's worth keeping.. throw the fake parts.
THIS IS SO HARD!!!! why do u think it's labeled 2.2 for fuck's sake. ive been trying for 2 years to take my own stand. have my own take at everything. GROW SOME BALLS CLAWS. stop depending and ultimately shrink into sumthing that coexists with another. realise that i can still be alive if i just turn my head the other way for a few seconds.
Ive come to think that maybe what we are isnt all about what we do.. its about what we're capable of when we least expect it. But trust me this much, i dun wanna be able to see myself only after i lose sumthing really important to me. :(
OMG speaking of losing important stuff my Vaio fell sick. i think he needs a transplant. :(
gonna get it fixed when im back in BM.. Gonna get a dental surgery oso.. Wisdom Tooth Extraction!! so i dun think i can eat much when im home.. shall join my dad who eats only porridge and mee suah and really soft stuff now.. x)
did i mention my dad fell ill?
no of course i didnt. its one of those things i dread blogging about.. because reading it on my blog will make the issue seem insignificant.. even if i say i poured washing machine loads of tears..
he has PNS cancer. Stage 2.
undergoing Radiation Therapy 5 days a week, and Chemo once a week..
It sucks to watch him. coz all i can do is sit in a corner while he feels nauseous, puking into a basin every 15 minutes.. and talk to him 10 feet away because Shokubutsu smells worse than 50 tonnes of fresh swine poo to him.. after 3 days as the Chemo wears off, he could eat again..
He said he lost weight. I think i lost my smile.
And I've never felt more stressed in my life. I'm not usually the person who goes around screaming IM STRESSED in facebook. I used to get all "whats the big deal" on stressed people, convinced that whatever can be done if we just smile and get on with it, fuck the helplessness. but now im not so sure.. It sure feels good to know other ppl are more fucked up than me.. i wonder if its making me a lesser person.. :(
i dont sleep well now.. i dun eat like i used to.. im slowly becoming a wreck destroying everything in my way.. and all this while im subconscious about it.. sure, its easy to forget when im out with people.. when im reading books about other people.. but when u lie on the bed at night as the lights go off and u have that fleeting moment, sumthing of a very fine line between staying awake and falling asleep, u cant help wishing u live in ur dreams instead.. yet for most of these nights, i dun even want to dream because they make me wake up, regretting that i've ever slept at all. And there are still times when i just wish i can live in a photograph where everything doesnt go anywhere, no matter how messed up. The sick wont get sicker, smiles lives forever, and love doesn't fade. But thats not called living anymore.
So during these trying times, i put forth another part of me that sounds so optimistic, so strong and sure of myself.. but its all a show. A show to stop all the pitiful looks i get when i say i have a problem. Its weird really.. when I put on a mask to show everyone im brave, but i still hide under Boyfriend and expects him to drop everything to be there for me but sumtimes i think all he ever sees is me sitting on the edge of the bed ridiculously crying over cookies.
I wonder if i inherited this from my dad.. if he's doing the same thing im doing now.. because when i look at him at times he thinks im not, i see this pain that just radiates off his body as he slouches and just stare into space. Which makes me feel a lot more worse knowing the dad i know who's capable of slaying all the firebreathing dragons in my life and still cooks great food is only human after all. And like me, he still continues doing it because he just feels he should.
But then my life is not so bad.. I have a family that's still together through thick and thin.. A boyfriend I care about that cares in return.. my friends who are.... umm.. just special in their quirky ways.. and most importantly i have myself.. :) I keep forgetting that sometimes we get into so much of the details and try to make everything work that we forget to step back and see what we've already achieved..
Sigh. I'm sorry I seem like a faker. I'm not. I was just hiding.
