EVERYTHING WILL BE BETTER IN THE MORNING.
Chanting it isn't working. Somebody needs to yell it to my face. No, wait. I need somebody to yell it to my face. Maybe I need a new mantra that doesn't work solely on kids too. Only solace I have left is my (period free) Bali trip with the guys. And then when I come back here..... sigh I don't want to think about that right now? But heck what belongs will stay yea?
Anyways I'm also really excited about this toy camera I'm thinking of getting..... Call it a short-living passion I don't care. I just love its colours :)
Sappy words of assurance make people cry harder, don't they? They do? None of that for me tonight, but I still managed. Mi amor sure has no idea about two words, subtle and gentle. That's what I get for seeking out an honest friend to cry to. Damn good thing too because by now, after perhaps 3 hours of self-pity I have been brought back to this cruel, cruel world I have to live by.
And this has taught me one thing in general.. Never check Facebook when you're having your period.
And never tell yourself you're tough on the inside when you know you will die if shit gets thrown right in your face.
I want to cry like the pretty, helpless girls on tv and get told that my sufferings would be avenged. But no. Nobody to help me clean shit up. Nor do I even look remotely pretty when I cry to the point where I have hiccups and figurative pain racks my body while I curl up in a sad little useless sideways ball of woe with hair thick enough to be my pillow. Oh well. Doesn't matter now. To say that I will never cry again is cowpoo. In fact I think I might have little drops of late tears still swimming around behind my eyeball.
So all I can do for now... Is to learn lower-eye makeup so I can give my convex lids abit of depth and pray that I manage to get some sleep after maybe 74652839x of chanting "Everything will be better when I wake up."
I am the ultimate worm.
Mixed feelings about going back to KL this Sunday. Because.. Oh well because I simply am gonna have to make decisions. Simple yes or no decisions that are probably going to alter the course of the rest of my life. (I picked up the habit of being vague months ago when I realized grey areas were more comforting than if I have to pick sides.) And I'll prolly break this jogging streak I have going on. And prolly spend a lot of money. And prolly sleep at 5am every day again. But I'm doing it even now so no surprises there.
Recently got a bunch of new stuff though. Happy happy joy joy~!
Anyway it was the thought of going back to KL and crawling into a violated space that made me disturbed enough to post this. /shrug. Till next time!
Last Friday I was awakened with a call to whisk me off to Genting Highlands. Normally it wouldn't bother me so much but I was so totally caught off guard I felt pretty crap that morning. But then the day progressed and my mood got better.. Even managed to get my siblings to take the cable car. We even had much fun taking advantage of the not-so-crowded Theme Park. But then we only had a few hours to play so we played all the big rides and the rides that we didn't usually get to play because of the queue. The next highlight was dinner thanks to Auntie Jennifer at a place we didn't know existed..
The next day was a big flurry of activities... most of them involved eating. Was kinda scared because I was supposed to be able to fit into a cheongsam yesterday night. Oh well in the end all was well, I looked like a Chinese waitress and the wedding dinner was kinda awesome despite mediocre food at Imperial Garden opposite the Armada Hotel.
Okay now I realize I'm blogging for the sake of it cause I am so goddamn sleepy. Been out the whole day with the family and I woke up pretty early too. U can't sleep past 9am in a house full of elderly females who chit chats as soon as their eyes are open and they see each other.
Pictures next time la (Not happening.)
All in all it has been a good weekend. I didn't even mind missing deadmau5. Okay I minded a little bit during the few minutes the dinner got boring.. Okay okay it was more than a little.. Got worse when Sam and the other guys sent me pictures. Buu..ut other than that no more. So that's it. Goodnight!
I'm talking about my cousin Trish's wedding! I still cannot believe it's this Saturday. Oh well excitement aside I feel pretty crap about missing the deadmau5 concert.. So I have mixed feelings on that part.. the happy feeling comes from not spending money /sigh.
Anyway I just finished her guestbook and it's now being fitted for a box (credits to WeiHun). Kinda pressured him by saying I trust him. Dontcha think those three words can make you wanna laugh and cry at the same time? Yea it's kinda awesome being entrusted with something important but what if you fail? What if what if what if..
I took pictures of the guestbook but then the pics don't do the real thing justice. Not even a bit. And I changed my BB wallpaper again.. From the picture of a beach on Isle of Wight to this :
And then from that to this :
So pretty! But for now I need sleep so goodnight.
So as usual.. With new templates comes multiples posts in a day. But I cannot contain my excitement cause I haven't been gorging on sweet stuff since so long.... I am just home from a catch-up session with the old, new and rediscovered friends of mine.. Namely Kelley, Vernn, Heidy(can you believe it? It's been months!) and Shane. And thanks to Vernn's abundant knowledge on where to get sweet sweet desserts we tapau-ed from a few places and scooted over to Coffee Bean to enjoy our seriously diabetic treats.
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| The Berry Pavlova from Serai |
I swear the crust's texture is fucking familiar until Vernn pointed out that they taste like these the pink wrapper-ed waffles covered in white chocolate you usually buy in a pack ? Couldn't google a pic but watevs. It was super awesome. Thanks Heidy!
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| Little itty-bitty macarons and Red Velvet from Whisk |
Lemon macarons ugh. Nuff said. Eh btw the frosting on the Red Velvet is so addictive! And obviously very sugary. Until a caramel laced coffee tasted bitter at one point but oh well. Anyway we were touching on a sensitive topic at Coffee Bean and I almost ALMOST fucking spilled a truckload of beans but fuh. A promise is a promise right?
So after all that sugar I'm pretty much hyped up now and woe is me when sleep time comes. It's always like this. Always. I should really sleep when every other normal people in the world does or I'm going to miss out on so much daylight wei. And my baaabbbyyyyyy Shianru and Alyson are coming back to Subang tomorrow so I have something to look forward to.. Nights without them are blissful cause I get to sleep on one bed instead of two, but I miss the giggles and question-punctuated orders. (You duwanna off the lights meh?) And for now i really gotta start working on Trish's wedding guestbook. Excited!
Just read through the whole blog and I realise that I can never get used to seeing myself talk. (or write in this matter)
So what's new? A fuckload of changes I guess? Last year my resolution was to find myself. I guess I did.. by discovering that I cannot uncover myself in a year. Heck I can conclude that even if I have found myself one day.. The following week of drama will change me. You know what, scratch that. I sometimes see myself making split-second-life-altering decisions every day and I gotta say there are some things I'm not proud of.. But not that I regret making them either.. Nothing ventured nothing gained ey?
All in all since the last time I blogged.. It has been a good year.
I think.
Anyway I sorta kinda maybe have been through this seriously fucked up period where I am SO DOWN i almost lost myself completely in this little room of mine.. But hey!~ I'm alive. To tell you a whole year's worth of stories would take exactly that amount of time.
The moment I remembered I had a blog was prolly yesterday in the showers when I suddenly missed writing.. And oh well to start again took up a lot of time because of the writer's block. What the hell is that anyway, writer's block? I believe it is because I have too much on my mind and I cannot seem to focus on one particular subject? Actually there's only a handful but oh well. They're considerably big big issues I'm not ready to discuss yet.
So I wasted time googling templates and chose this one. A world of colours outgrowing a dark space? Or it can be a dark space slowly overshadowing a burst of bright colours. You decide :)
i dunno if i should make the 1st move to ask for forgiveness from a person.. or rather.. persons.. who are kinda mad at me cause they misunderstood my intentions.. :(
u remember last time.. ur mum will go "u do something wrong, u apologize.."
yep.
problem is i dont know if i should right now.. cause i might blow it outta proportion now that its sorta more than 24 hours after the explosion.. and.. sigh. i dunno what i did that was wrong.. i admit i couldve handled things better.. that given a second chance i wouldve done things a different way.. but there is no second chance... and right now i'm scared to confront any of the persons i offended because i cant hold myself together in front of them.. Dx yes they are older than me.. and that makes it all the more difficult to explain because im never good with explaining myself.. usually i'd just keep quiet.. until u vent all ur anger at me.. then i'll go rant some other place..
i cannot afford to speak up and lose my cool. i am an aries. do not expect me to tell u what u want to hear to ur face in defeat after you yell at me first. if u insist on an answer u better prepare to get yelled at in return. *fumes
i am sorry.
really i am.. most of the time i can never show how sorry i am because i am not that sort of person who goes on to put on a mask of deep, heartfelt sorrow and then prance around saying sorry gazillions of times in a singsong voice.. and then when they're satisfied that ure happy, they take off the mask and BAM. backstab. congratulations btw, ure famous in facebook!
for me.. feeling sorry for the things i do goes with me in a little backpack bound to my very being. i live by the saying "one can forgive, but never forgets." no matter how sorry the person who hurt u is, the damage is already done. he's sorry he killed ur mother. but ur mother is already gone. and it is you in the end who has to live with that fact. even if u manage to convince urself that the past is already forgiven... there is no way in the world can u truly forget who took her away in the first place..
:(
hence i find it hard to ask things from people.. especially my parents because i feel too guilty for doing the wrong, unthoughtful things i've done before.. lots of people will just raise an eyebrow at this "wtf? guilty for wat?" please scroll to previous paragraph. note the little backpack. inside its not only the things i do wrongly and got scolded for the past weeks. they date back to years.. to as early in my life as i can remember. i can tick them off my finger if u ask me to name u a few.. drawing on walls.. buying paper dolls and hiding them in the little nook of the sofa.. not looking out for my siblings when crossing the road.. calling my parents names behind their backs.. loathing [and now missing] art classes.. making my mum cry when i yelled back at her when she scolded me.. ....... .............
oh gosh.
i guess that's when i learnt to keep my mouth shut when someone's sounding me off. until it became quite a habit already.. gah. like autopilot with a sound sensor.. once ur voice reaches a certain pitch with a certain tone i shut down =.=
anyway this post is just to say i really mean im sorry when i say it.. if i dont then maybe its for a reason and u should hear me out without being angry first..
sigh.
i gotta go now.. my aunt needs me for a shopping trip.. xD
these days have been pretty satisfactory up to my standards.. been doing things i love doing.. which is mostly reading actually.. and just plain spending time with people.. only downside is that i dont have enough sleep.. i'm slowly regaining my need of late evening naps already.. if i dun take them i can fall asleep at 12am or so.. like yesterday, i fell asleep playing Flight Control (so kincheong oso can sleep =.= ) and then my planes keep colliding into each other but im far away in dreamland.. i dunno what my thumb pressed while my eyes closed, when i peeked at it via a moment of consciousness i was staring at wobbly icons x)
so i guess im not very emo anymore.. :) compared to late january.. just by being awake im depressed.. depressed at this.. and that.. every little thing that poked my nerves.. and then my sleep cycle went crazy.. and then im depressed by it.. i think i was depressed just by thought of myself being depressed.. sigh.
but not anymore~!
i smile more now.. i guess being in the dark so long made me realise just how exhilarating it is to be happy again and right now i just want to appreciate every moment i turn lame.. because i kinda noticed that im generally being happy when i start being lame.. i picture speech bubbles every time i see a milipede crawling up a wall, i make faces at passing cats, i skip when i think no ones looking, i smile in the shower and i laugh for longer now because it's real. :)
oh boy. remember what they say about whatever that goes up must come down?
sumtimes it makes me afraid of being too happy.. but no worries.. i think i tamed my paranoia.. I THINK.
oh and my birthday's coming up.. im being pretty anal about it.. not to mention that im confusing everybody and contradicting everything i say about the subject...HOW. im scared that i'd end up spending it alone and then regret not throwing sum random party just so the first day of my adulthood wont be so lonely.. Dx but we shall see.. :) to tell u the truth i kinda set aside this dress that im gonna wear adi muahaha!
i miss my sisterrrrrrrrr... :(
i wanna spend my birthday with my family also :(
oh oh oh that day i dragged my mum into Tiffany & Co so i could show her the Tiffany keys.. then she said they arent nice :( she said i should get a tiny tiny one.. on a very slender chain.. and then my sis said my mum should get a padlock instead of a key *insert sister's maniacal laugh*
i want a black one.. plastic; with open, lock, and open boot buttons.. and when u push either one, sumwhere... two bright headlights flash. nyehehe.
In this life...❥
